If I were President of the Internet, the following changes would quickly be sent to Congress for immediate approval:
Numero Uno: All messages, statuses and comments should be edited. Not just for spelling and grammar, but also for relevance.
Look, I’m glad you love your husband – these days that’s hard to come by – and I’m very happy that your toddler is now using the big boy potty, but there’s no way in any dimension that I’m going to want to see a picture of his sh!%! It’s just never going to be on my priority list. I don’t want to see my own SH!#, so why would I want to see some strange toddler’s toilet pic?
B.) Captain Obvious needs to be shot.
I KNOW IT’S RAINING OUTSIDE. I LIVE HERE TOO, IDIOT! The news stations do a pretty good job showing images of the weather, so why do you think I need to see what the hail in your yard looks like? Yes, it’s wet outside. Cool. Thanks.
III.) YouTube videos would be aired on live TV instead of commercials.
I hate commercials. So do you, admit it. Charmin and that damn bear are never going to convince me to buy their booty paper. Let’s utilize that time for more entertaining images. Jenna Marbles? She would do a great job filling a 2-minute TV slot.
4.) Gross videos are not allowed. Ever. Anywhere. The End.
The world’s largest pimple needs to be popped in private and never shown to a public audience. That’s just nasty. Inappropriate. I’m done.
Finally: Anything that doesn’t have a “Log in with Facebook” button needs to be banned from the world. I’m not filling out all those boxes anymore. I’m just not. I’m too busy.
Tune in next week for another edition of “If I were President of the Internet.”